the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
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After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
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Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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