I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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