I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
