Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
