I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
