I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
