Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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