So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
