i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
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I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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