Swine flu is the new snow day.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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