When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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