i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
