Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
