i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
