I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
