At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
