i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
