he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
