Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
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I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
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RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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