someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
