she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
