His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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