I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
