He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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