I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
