I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
