i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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