bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
