Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm getting married
To pizza
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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