If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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