I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
