If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
