His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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