I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
