please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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