just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
