There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
