new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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