You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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