...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
