Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
