He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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