i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
