I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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