Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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