Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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