Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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