The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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