I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
