Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
