it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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