Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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