I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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